I had a dream today. Inside it, I was talking to a white man with curly hair, and taking shrooms. He invited me to join him to kill someone. Probably had something to do about True Detective – an HBO American series I recently watched.
Few days ago, I got my stuff, well sealed, vacuum packed. Took about 3-4 grams, I started watching some pics on Ehentai, because I was hoping it could do something sexually, at least up my horny mood a bit. But turned out, it makes these pics becoming more freak out. 30 minutes passed, it started to hits me. Those anime girls – their hair accessories – are becoming like eyes. I start to notice something I wouldn’t notice before. The world seems detailed, and everything is twisting. You ever watched those frame by frame AI generated video? Every frame from original video, each frame of it was regenerated by the AI, so it’s different each frame, but almost the same, something like that. I found myself starting to enjoy staring something, like people said, stoner.
I was masturbating. In the middle of it I had an orgasm-like experience, it wasn’t sexual but mental. It was spiritual orgasm, caused by Psilocin. When it comes, I saw some ripples, like water. This is something alike. And there was a great amount of joy coming.
Everything was interesting at the moment. I still am aware of surroundings, probably the dose wasn’t too heavy. I laughed because some funny moves I did, and some funny thoughts I was thinking. In fact I can laugh to anything at that moment.
I keep staring at the chatbox of Telegram, there was a nonlinear space in it. I look down to my feet, my blood vessels became more and more obvious, like it was in the surface of my skin. My mind going eight directions at once, expanding its territory. The visual stoped, but I couldn’t help myself stop thinking about things. There is no word than “brainstorming” can describe this better. Suddenly I became a philosopher, criticizing everything, and criticizing myself for criticizing. Mind loop or something. You might say that I was a psycho during that. My way of thinking was different compare to normal people, or beyond, couldn’t tell. I was thinking, is there an indelible line dividing sanity from insanity… Or do they change, one into the other at the slightest change of events?
I unlocked my phone, wanna have chat with my friends in the group. I never noticed they were so mean and toxic… Just like mortals. Guess my A.T field just got weakened, which makes me became more sensitive. I start to understand why sometimes my friend Owen was so sensitive. He was born like this, but the only way I can be sympathetic and emotionally sensitive is through drugs. “What kind of people I am.” I think.
It takes me some time to back to normal again, I didn’t sleep that night. It was a self-reflective and critical trip. but overthinking is horrible. I probably will do it again in the future, but not frequently. It can cure depression, don’t you doubt that.
Chinese version translated by DeepL:
我一直盯着Telegram的聊天框，里面有一个非线性的空间。我低头看我的脚，我的血管变得越来越明显，就像它在我的皮肤表面。我的思想同时向八个方向发展，扩大它的领土。视觉停止了，但我无法帮助自己停止思考问题。没有什么词比 “头脑风暴 “能更好地描述这一点。突然间，我成了一个哲学家，批判一切，也批判自己的批判。心灵循环或什么的。你可以说我在这期间是个精神病患者。我的思维方式与正常人不同，或者超越了正常人，说不清楚。我在想，是否有一条不可磨灭的线来划分理智和精神错乱？还是他们会在最轻微的事件变化中变成另一个？
我打开手机，想和群里的朋友聊天。我从来没有注意到他们是如此刻薄和有毒… 就像凡人一样。我猜我的A.T立场被削弱了，这使我变得更加敏感。我开始理解为什么有时我的朋友Owen会如此敏感。他生来如此，但我唯一能有同情心和情感敏感的方式是通过药物。”我是什么样的人。” 我想。